Jokes thread

[Andy]

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flash light around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed..

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus"

I lol'd

[Slamz]

lol, this should be a joke thread.

[Feeble]

Heard it too many times!

[Tris]

lol then.

[Slamz]

A man escapes from prison where he has been there for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent most of his life in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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A man goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says, "I think you're crazy.''

The man says, "I want a second opinion.''

The psychiatrist says, "OK, you're ugly, too.''
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and the biggest joke ever:

...royal mail!

[Feeble]

I'm sure these jokes came up last time, on the old Bolt!

[Slamz]

COMEON! POST!!!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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old but:
durex have withdrawn all their condoms from australia because they realised it only takes one jonny to f**k over austrailia!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
 
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
 
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
 
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
 
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ..... How soon can I go home?"

[Slamz]

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."
 
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"
 
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
 
Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."
 
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
 
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
 
The auditor's jaw drops.
 
Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can  bite my other eye."
 
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
 
Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
 
The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three  thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
 
"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
 
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
 
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
 
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
 
"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £10,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"

:D

[Tris]

[Feeble]

The last one is good!

Sales of condoms in France plummeted today when the England rugby squad proved that to screw 15 Frogs you only need one Jonny...

[Dave]

Bill Bailey - Foreign Ambulance Sirens

Jeff Dunham-Achmed The Dead Terrorist

[Slamz]

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

 "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

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for the past 20 years every time John made love to his wife he insists that the lights are off.

one night when they getting down to it, his wife jumps up and switches the light on.

She's shocked to find he husband laying there with a dildo in his hands.

"you got alot of explaining to do Mr" she says

"ok! I'll explain the dildo, you explain the kids"

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I went to the library the other day to get out a book.
The guy at the counter said, "In order to loan out books, you need to prove that you're a citizen of London."

..so I stabbed him.

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[Dave]

i recently purchased a teddy bear for a tenner, i named it mohamed, then sold it for £20...my question is...have i made a prophet?

[Feeble]

Heard that one this morning

[Slamz]

sounds better when spoken tbh.