Jokes thread

[Andy]

Stole this off another forum

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for
each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that
b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Tris]

 

[Slamz]

The Presidents of Fosters, Budweiser, Becks Beer and Guinness are having a drink in a bar after a meeting. The president of Fosters goes to the bar and says 'I'll have a pint of the best golden nectar, Fosters, my man'. Next the President of Budweiser orders. "A pint of America's finest, Budweiser!". Next the Becks pesident  goes to the bar, "A pint of the best beer from germany, Becks, please".  Lastly, the Head of Guinness wanders over to the bar and orders a glass of coke with a slice of lemon as the other CEO's look on is disgust.

"What?" he says, "if you poofters aren't drinking, then neither am I!"

----------------------------------------------

for the past 20 years every time John made love to his wife he insists that the lights are off.

one night when they getting down to it, his wife jumps up and switches the light on.

She's shocked to find he husband laying there with a dildo in his hands.

"you got alot of explaining to do Mr" she says

"ok! I'll explain the dildo, you explain the kids"


-------------------------------------

A blokes sitting in a bar crying when his mate comes in, ;Why are you crying in the pub Fred?'
Fred: 'My wife's just died'

Mate: 'Thats terrible what happened?'
Fred: 'She lied about her weight again'

Mate: 'How did that kill her?'

Fred: 'We were bungee jumping'

[Feeble]

First one - lame
Second one - hear before
Third one - good!

[Tris]

The one on the left is a rich man and the one on the right is poor. They were both buying gifts for there wives. Rich man said I got my wife a BMW and a diamond ring, then if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in her BMW and still be happy. The poor man says I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself

[Slamz]

haha, heard that before